I remember when Fox was just newly born, I cried a lot. There were many reasons for it, but I remember sometimes it happened just because I was overwhelmed with how much I loved this little guy. I would just look at him and my eyes would start to well up. Sometimes I would worry and panic a little because I couldn't comprehend ever having that same amount of love for another child. How did moms of multiple kids do it? Did they love each one as much as I loved this little Fox? What if you had 8 kids? How did that work? Does the love thin out as you spread it that far? There was just no way that each child would be loved as much as that first. It just didn't make sense to me, so I confided in Camaron one night that I didn't think I could have any more kids.
"I just love Fox sooo much. I don't think I could have any more kids because I wouldn't love them as much." That was basically what I managed to get out.
"Doesn't that feel selfish though?" Camaron asked me.
This really took me off guard. Selfish? How was I being selfish?
Camaron then turned the topic from me to focus more on Fox. What about Fox? Would he grow up without any siblings just because I couldn't comprehend how my love could work? I hadn't even thought about Fox. Immediately, my whole way of thinking changed. Just because I didn't understand something that was still very new to me didn't mean I should let it affect our family in such a huge way.
Now, as Fox is almost two and I'm three weeks away from adding another member to our family, I have had a lot more time to process those thoughts and feelings I had in the beginning. And I can say that I have only felt positively about our decision to try for more kids. As I shifted my way of thinking away from focusing on myself and what I didn't understand, it became clearer that this was a good thing. This new baby will be surrounded in love -not just from me, but from Fox and Daddy too. And if we have more children in the future, the love will just keep growing.
Even though new baby isn't even here yet, I already have great amounts of love for him/her. Feeling this way makes me feel a little silly about how worried I was back when Fox was newly born. I fully expect to cry a lot again when the new baby gets here. And I know one of the (many) reasons will be from being overwhelmed in love:)