One night over the summer, when I was home alone (Camaron was at work), I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was an older-sounding lady doing a survey about families. Even though I sometimes get anxiety talking on the phone, I usually go ahead and do surveys like this. I figure a job at a call center is probably no fun, so I try to be as nice as I can. The questions she asked that I remember were along the lines of "are you married?" "Do you have children?" "Does your family practice religion?" "Does your family pray daily?" Eventually, she got to one of the last questions, "Do you see yourself still married to your spouse in five years" and I could only answer "no". I immediately felt sad and uncomfortable, and even though she had to stick to her script, I could tell she felt it too. I've known for a while that things weren't going to last.
All marriages are hard. I'm pretty sure that's a fact. I went into ours knowing this. But, for the first year or so, I felt like we just lucked out. We were so great together. We were on the same page for almost everything. We worked well together and made each other happy. It wasn't perfect, but I had heard so many friends complaining about their marriages, so I just knew ours was something extra special. But, not too surprising, things changed. We changed. And we didn't change together. It was actually more opposite. I won't go into detail because it's just sad. I don't mind talking about what happened, but I feel I'm better at explaining some things in person, so I'm not going to post details on here. There are two sides to every story, and I would really rather portray things in the clearest way possible to be fair. Maybe that doesn't even make sense. It's the best I can do right now though.
This is a post I never wanted to write. For the past year or so, though, I knew I eventually would type these words (or something similar).
It made it hard to plan things for the future. Should I buy these concert tickets for us? Should we plan that trip? It just felt so unlikely that Camaron and I would still be together much longer. But I kept moving forward and we kept moving forward. Then I'd get my hopes up for a while that we were going to grow old together ...even though we were both miserable inside.
Doesn't that just happen for couples who fight all the time? Couples who sleep in different rooms? Couples who talk crap about their spouses to others? Not to couples who say "I love you" and have a goodnight kiss EVERY night. Not to couples who finish each other's sentences way too often. Not to me.
We've worked for this marriage. For us. But we still ended up here. I don't write that to make it seem like divorce is inevitable. I just want to make it clear that we definitely have not taken our marriage lightly. We haven't just given up. I honestly feel like I did all I could. I would have never agreed to a divorce if I didn't feel that way.
Once we officially made our decision and I moved out and into my parent's house, into my old room, at a time when I should have felt so so terrible and sad and alone and confused, I felt a weight lifted. I felt less anxiety and stress than I had in years. I joke that maybe it was just my new anxiety meds finally kicking in, but I know it was something I was meant to feel. That it was a reassurance that this was the right decision -even though I had never wanted it.
It continually amazes me that I haven't had a day where I just sat at home crying to myself all day long (if you know me even slightly well, you know I'm a big cryer. Uncontrollable. Ugly). I've definitely been sad about this situation. It's not ideal. But I've been able to feel happy. To feel optimistic. I don't speak a lot about religion on here, but I would be a huge liar if I didn't attribute these feelings of comfort as direct answers to prayer. And not just the feelings, but the people who have been there for me right from the moment everything happened. I know each person who has texted, called, volunteered babysitting, hugged me hard, bought me treats... each of you has been a blessing for me from a loving Heavenly Father. These experiences have brought light back into my life.
So, I think we're all caught up now. I don't know what's next for me and my family. It's definitely going to be hard for a while. But I know that I'm not alone and I can do this and I'm moving forward.
*The pictures in this post were taken by me on my trip to Switzerland in 2010. I love these pictures and didn't want sad pictures in this post:)
**Sorry if this comes as a big shock to some of you. I would have liked to tell more of you about it in person, rather than have you find out this big change on my blog. But the truth is, I hardly told anyone. I'm terrible with sharing things like this. Again, sorry for not telling you sooner.
***As I mentioned earlier, I don't mind talking about what happened. If you have questions, please let me know. I don't mind if you're just curious, or if you are in or have been in a similar situation and would like to discuss. I'm totally down for that.