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Halloween 2016

 A Detective, French toast, and Minnie mouse (and her baby)


Our costume plans evolved a lot over the last month or so. Mostly because (as much as I fought it) the kids were/are in charge. We had a group/theme costume I was really excited for, but then Fox just came up to me one day and announced that he wanted to be "a 'tective with a mag-fying glass." So that was that.

His costume wasn't too difficult to make (I used these directions), but Sloane got really sick during my appointed "costume-making-time", so she ended up with a store-bought Minnie costume -which we were all perfectly fine with. It's way cuter than what I could've made, for sure. And she requests to wear it everyday:)

We went trick-or-treating in my parent's neighborhood, and the kids were done after two streets (just like last year) ha! They still ended up with A TON of treats, though. Not many kids went trick-or-treating in the neighborhood this year, so everyone gave Fox and Sloane extra-large helpings of candy (which I am helping take care as I type). And yes, Sloane brought her baby with her the whole time we trick-or-treated. How was your Halloween?

Aftermath of the Divorce Post



Writing my most recent post was a lot harder than probably any other post I've written. Not only was I worried about reactions to the news, but that perhaps I wouldn't express my thoughts accurately enough -that my words would be misunderstood.

Now that my words and story are out there, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for the warm embrace I felt after exposing a very personal and difficult part of my life. I have felt nothing but kindness and love from each comment/hug/chat/drop-by/message (whether from someone I know or anonymous). I mentioned in the post that I'm doing much better than I thought I would, but of course all of this is still very hard. So, again, thank you so so much. Can I just take you all out for donuts?

Also, something I really didn't expect, I have received a few private messages from people going through somewhat-similar situations asking for advice. I feel incredibly unqualified in this department. I'm totally fine discussing what some of our struggles were, but please keep in mind, every relationship is unique. Something that was incredibly hard for us to overcome may not pertain to someone else's relationship (does that make sense?). On a related note, if you're having a hard time and just want to talk, I'm all for chatting:)

When A Marriage Ends




THE CALL
One night over the summer, when I was home alone (Camaron was at work), I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was an older-sounding lady doing a survey about families. Even though I sometimes get anxiety talking on the phone, I usually go ahead and do surveys like this. I figure a job at a call center is probably no fun, so I try to be as nice as I can. The questions she asked that I remember were along the lines of "are you married?" "Do you have children?" "Does your family practice religion?" "Does your family pray daily?" Eventually, she got to one of the last questions, "Do you see yourself still married to your spouse in five years" and I could only answer "no". I immediately felt sad and uncomfortable, and even though she had to stick to her script, I could tell she felt it too. I've known for a while that things weren't going to last.

All marriages are hard. I'm pretty sure that's a fact. I went into ours knowing this. But, for the first year or so, I felt like we just lucked out. We were so great together. We were on the same page for almost everything. We worked well together and made each other happy. It wasn't perfect, but I had heard so many friends complaining about their marriages, so I just knew ours was something extra special. But, not too surprising, things changed. We changed. And we didn't change together. It was actually more opposite. I won't go into detail because it's just sad. I don't mind talking about what happened, but I feel I'm better at explaining some things in person, so I'm not going to post details on here. There are two sides to every story, and I would really rather portray things in the clearest way possible to be fair. Maybe that doesn't even make sense. It's the best I can do right now though.



This is a post I never wanted to write. For the past year or so, though, I knew I eventually would type these words (or something similar).

 It made it hard to plan things for the future. Should I buy these concert tickets for us? Should we plan that trip? It just felt so unlikely that Camaron and I would still be together much longer. But I kept moving forward and we kept moving forward. Then I'd get my hopes up for a while that we were going to grow old together ...even though we were both miserable inside.

DIVORCE
Doesn't that just happen for couples who fight all the time? Couples who sleep in different rooms? Couples who talk crap about their spouses to others? Not to couples who say "I love you" and have a goodnight kiss EVERY night. Not to couples who finish each other's sentences way too often. Not to me.


But we've been sad for so long. Sure, we have happy moments. The kids are awesome (oh, the kids. The hardest part in all of this). We enjoy doing a lot of things together. But the happy stuff is all just surface level, it seems. There were lots of little things. And we have had big issues. We've been to multiple counselors (I'm a big fan of counseling, FYI), but in our situation, we just weren't able to work through it.

We've worked for this marriage. For us. But we still ended up here. I don't write that to make it seem like divorce is inevitable. I just want to make it clear that we definitely have not taken our marriage lightly. We haven't just given up. I honestly feel like I did all I could. I would have never agreed to a divorce if I didn't feel that way.

A LIGHT
Once we officially made our decision and I moved out and into my parent's house, into my old room, at a time when I should have felt so so terrible and sad and alone and confused, I felt a weight lifted. I felt less anxiety and stress than I had in years. I joke that maybe it was just my new anxiety meds finally kicking in, but I know it was something I was meant to feel. That it was a reassurance that this was the right decision -even though I had never wanted it.

It continually amazes me that I haven't had a day where I just sat at home crying to myself all day long (if you know me even slightly well, you know I'm a big cryer. Uncontrollable. Ugly). I've definitely been sad about this situation. It's not ideal. But I've been able to feel happy. To feel optimistic. I don't speak a lot about religion on here, but I would be a huge liar if I didn't attribute these feelings of comfort as direct answers to prayer. And not just the feelings, but the people who have been there for me right from the moment everything happened. I know each person who has texted, called, volunteered babysitting, hugged me hard, bought me treats... each of you has been a blessing for me from a loving Heavenly Father. These experiences have brought light back into my life.

So, I think we're all caught up now. I don't know what's next for me and my family. It's definitely going to be hard for a while. But I know that I'm not alone and I can do this and I'm moving forward.


*The pictures in this post were taken by me on my trip to Switzerland in 2010. I love these pictures and didn't want sad pictures in this post:)

**Sorry if this comes as a big shock to some of you. I would have liked to tell more of you about it in person, rather than have you find out this big change on my blog. But the truth is, I hardly told anyone. I'm terrible with sharing things like this. Again, sorry for not telling you sooner.

***As I mentioned earlier, I don't mind talking about what happened. If you have questions, please let me know. I don't mind if you're just curious, or if you are in or have been in a similar situation and would like to discuss. I'm totally down for that.

Phoenix Fire Station Field Trip

Fox's preschool class recently had safety week, which was capped off with a visit to a local fire station. Sloane and I lucked out and got to tag along too. This was such a cool field trip! 

Their faces! Hahaha
The firefighter who gave the tour was awesome. He showed us just about everything at the station and in the fire trucks. And he let the kids take turns spraying the fire hose -major highlight!
There may be a few future firefighters in the bunch:)

Other highlight: we went the the fire station at lunch time, while the fire fighters were cooking their lunch feast. holy cow. If you ever have an emergency that requires you to stop by a fire station, plan it around lunch time:)
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